Nobody has asked me this question. But I have. As I face a 6-hour operation to cut out a cancerous tumor and rearrange my entire digestive tract, followed by weeks of painful recovery, I have a certain amount of anxiety, but this is not what I fear most.
The doctors have said that if I had not had such severe diarrhea and weight loss, I would not have known I was hosting a tumor. Pancreatic tumors go unnoticed, wreaking destruction, because they are silent and have few symptoms. Thank God, my symptoms revealed this terrible thing in me.
Likewise, God uses our hard circumstance to reveal the worst in us—they bring out anxiety, impatience, a critical spirit, to name a few. My hope is that my ugly self-life will be revealed and I will cooperate with the Spirit’s work of extraction and annihilation! Pray that even as the surgeon removes the cancer, I will allow the Great Surgeon to circumcise my heart. Pray that this circumstance which brings out the worst in me will not be wasted. That is my greatest fear.
“Let me know myself, Lord. And then I will know you” (St. Augustine).
Friday, February 8, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The Surgeon's Knife has Two Sides
This week my oncologist told me that of all persons with pancreatic cancer, only 15% are diagnosed while still in stage one (localized). I am, by God’s grace, a member of that modest faction. After pancreatic cancer has begun to spread, and surely after it has metastasized, surgery is ineffective. Only in the early stage is it most likely the tumor and its roots can be eliminated. But even then pancreatic cancers can hide and return. Cancer survivors must be vigilant to guard against that possibility. Thus, it is probable I will undergo months of post-surgery chemotherapy.
Of course the spiritual analogy shouts at us. Every one of us is born with a root of sin (called flesh), which is incapable of doing anything but growing and producing sin (tumors). And while the Cross, like the surgeon’s knife, has removed the tumor (Rom. 6:6, 11), the surrounding tissues of our heart still contain that nasty self-serving, self-loving, self-protecting thing we call flesh. (We are all too aware of its unwelcomed influence.) But, thank God, there are two sides to the surgeon’s knife (the Cross): one deals with the power of sin (eliminating the tumor); the other deals with ongoing presence of sin (like hidden cancer cells, waiting to return).
“Unless the knife is applied to the ‘flesh,’ it will always be ground for the enemy to attack, so as to weaken us in the conflict. The ‘flesh’ must be kept under the knife of the Cross… Our prayer must be: ‘Lord, apply the knife of the cross to every bit of the old life in me, where you can see it—down deep in the secret places I do not know.” (Jessie Penn Lewis, “The Conquest of Canaan”)
Of course the spiritual analogy shouts at us. Every one of us is born with a root of sin (called flesh), which is incapable of doing anything but growing and producing sin (tumors). And while the Cross, like the surgeon’s knife, has removed the tumor (Rom. 6:6, 11), the surrounding tissues of our heart still contain that nasty self-serving, self-loving, self-protecting thing we call flesh. (We are all too aware of its unwelcomed influence.) But, thank God, there are two sides to the surgeon’s knife (the Cross): one deals with the power of sin (eliminating the tumor); the other deals with ongoing presence of sin (like hidden cancer cells, waiting to return).
“Unless the knife is applied to the ‘flesh,’ it will always be ground for the enemy to attack, so as to weaken us in the conflict. The ‘flesh’ must be kept under the knife of the Cross… Our prayer must be: ‘Lord, apply the knife of the cross to every bit of the old life in me, where you can see it—down deep in the secret places I do not know.” (Jessie Penn Lewis, “The Conquest of Canaan”)
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Is it Possible to have No Will of Your Own?
As the surgeon spoke to me, I observed his hands, realizing my life would be in them. But of course the Spirit immediately corrected me—No, my life would be in God’s hands. Putting my life in even the best surgeon's hands would be chancy. In God’s hands there is no such risk. Isaiah says God is like a potter (45:9) who has ultimate privilege to do as He wills best!
People have asked how I am praying. Jesus taught us is to pray “Thy will be done.” And, honestly, I do not know what God’s will is. As I reflected on this, I wondered how much of our prayer for healing is mixed with a “natural” desire for self-preservation. Watchman Nee said: “self-pity, self-love, fear of suffering, withdrawal from the cross are manifestations of the self life, whose prime motivation is self-preservation.” In this life-and-death trial, I hear God asking me to surrender even this natural desire to Him. Whether I live or die, then, is not the focus of my prayer, but to seek God’s will, by having no will of my own.
Does this sound passive? Believe me, it is taking a greater faith to put my life in His hands than anything I have ever done. Many Christ-followers say they are willing to pick up their cross and follow Him… until they feel the piercing of the nails in their hands. John describes those who overcame by the blood of the Lamb as those who “did not love their life even when faced with death” (Rev. 12:11).
I want to be like David who said, I don't concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me (Ps 131:1-2).
People have asked how I am praying. Jesus taught us is to pray “Thy will be done.” And, honestly, I do not know what God’s will is. As I reflected on this, I wondered how much of our prayer for healing is mixed with a “natural” desire for self-preservation. Watchman Nee said: “self-pity, self-love, fear of suffering, withdrawal from the cross are manifestations of the self life, whose prime motivation is self-preservation.” In this life-and-death trial, I hear God asking me to surrender even this natural desire to Him. Whether I live or die, then, is not the focus of my prayer, but to seek God’s will, by having no will of my own.
Does this sound passive? Believe me, it is taking a greater faith to put my life in His hands than anything I have ever done. Many Christ-followers say they are willing to pick up their cross and follow Him… until they feel the piercing of the nails in their hands. John describes those who overcame by the blood of the Lamb as those who “did not love their life even when faced with death” (Rev. 12:11).
I want to be like David who said, I don't concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me (Ps 131:1-2).
Friday, February 1, 2013
Words to Live By
“It is small; it is localized; we caught it early” are the words you want to hear from the surgeon who will be removing your tumor. (Praise God, we heard those words yesterday!) “We are praying for you; we love you; you have made a difference in our lives” are the words you want to hear from your friends when in crisis. With each note, each promise to pray, and each testimony to God’s faithfulness, I hear the Lord’s voice. “How delightful is a timely word” (Prov. 15:23).
But as comforting as those words are, it is THE WORD that anchor my soul in this time of trial—the Word of hope and promise, and faithfulness (Hebrews 6:19). From centuries past, the Psalmist declares, “… in faithfulness You have afflicted me. O may Your lovingkindness comfort me, according to Your word... may Your compassion come to me that I may live, For Your law is my delight” (Psalm 119:6-77).
In perplexing circumstances, Paul’s timely and timeless words come to mind: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works… and encouraging one another, especially now that the day of His return is drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25). These are words to live by.
But as comforting as those words are, it is THE WORD that anchor my soul in this time of trial—the Word of hope and promise, and faithfulness (Hebrews 6:19). From centuries past, the Psalmist declares, “… in faithfulness You have afflicted me. O may Your lovingkindness comfort me, according to Your word... may Your compassion come to me that I may live, For Your law is my delight” (Psalm 119:6-77).
In perplexing circumstances, Paul’s timely and timeless words come to mind: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works… and encouraging one another, especially now that the day of His return is drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25). These are words to live by.
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